Grumblings

I'm not sure what was going on at work today, but I'm thinking there was a contagious case of Tourette's going around. Everyone was walking around cursing under there breath all day. I would be sitting at my desk and hear obscenities coming from 3 different directions. The fact that I'm in a cubicle in the middle of the office means I can pretty much hear everything anyway. Guess it was that kind of day for a lot of people!

I was insatiably hungry all day. I've been plateaued on my diet for the last couple weeks. I haven't gained any fortunately, but haven't lost any more. I know it's because I haven't had much time or energy to work out. I MUST get into some activity routine. Irritatingly, the Zumba classes in the area all start at like 4:00 or 4:30, long before I get out of work. There's a yoga class that I've done before that I would love to do, but it doesn't start until 7:30 and goes until 9:00, which feels really late 2 nights a week. I could rejoin the gym down the street, where classes are included for $25 bucks. Or I could join the Y, which my friend Stacy loves, but it's like $50 :-( I just need to decide what I can handle and make a decision.

Compromised by having a salad and a kids meal sized chicken finger meal for dinner. Definitely not the BEST choice, but it was sooo satisfying and not the worst choice either. (Ok and some peanut M&Ms). My tummy just needed some comfort food. OK, the INSIDE of my tummy, not the OUTSIDE.

As beautiful as a shiny flower

This was something a 4- year old I met this weekend said I was. It was very super cute. She actually helped restore some of my belief that children can be sweet and well adjusted and normal. What a sweetheart!

Today, after feeling in the diet doldrums, I had to go to Rita's for some sugar-free water ice. There was a pretty long line, but I decided that it was worth it. I was very annoyed at the number of people that, instead of parking in the parking lot that was all of 15 feet away, PULLED OVER in the fire lane and parked right in front of the store. Is it that walking that 15 feet from a parking space to wait in line for frozen calories would be too much? It was just a very slothful thing to witness. Fortunately, I was uplifted by the hundreds of people out walking and playing at Glasgow Park yesterday. Our country really needs to get it's priorities in line!

I would normally never get cherry, but that was the sugar-free flavor. As it turns out, it was sooo yummy and reminded me of summers at the pool at our apartment when I was really little. Nice memories.

15 measly pounds to go to get to my goal weight. Then my plan is to get a new tattoo to celebrate!! I'll be taking suggestions!

Spring Forward

I did a totally unspring-like thing today, which was to make chicken soup. I sort of got trapped because I bought a chicken with an expiring gift certificate, and then decided I needed to cook it since it wasn't frozen, then needed to use the carcass to make chicken stock, then needed to make the soup since the stock had been sitting there for a couple days and I decided that if I froze it, it would probably never see the light of day again.

SO I made a big pot of soup with a lot of aromatic vegetables and no starch. I figure it will be a healthy option to mix in with my eDiet meals and the rest I will take over to my parents and they can add noodles or something. The diet itself is going really well. I have lost about 11 pounds in three weeks and have even been working out semi-regularly. It does make a difference, I feel stronger, my skin is clearer, and it has certainly inspired me not to cheat. I still have a fairly long way to go, but at least I'm seeing progress.

Starting Again

Which part is harder? Starting something? Or maintaining it?

Diets, cleaning, craft projects, relationships. All hard to start, all hard to maintain.

Or are they? Why does it seem like some people have an effortless ability to visualize and achieve something, and for others even big obstacles roll right off their back. I have felt like my coping skills have began to significantly wain over the past year. And maybe it's a sign of the times we are living in. No one is coping as well as they used to and life is just too damn hard sometimes!

BUT I digress: I am starting diet #317 (or at least it feels like it). I have been on it for 4 days and have lost 4 pounds. I have even exercised twice. I'm actually feeling better already and hoping that this is something I can really stick to for at least 8 weeks. After that, as long as I have made as much progress as I hope to, I will stop "dieting" and start just living and making much better choices.

Realistic Goal: 28 pounds
Optimistic Goal: 43 pounds

The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum

Murphy's Law

That about sums it all up for now.

But after being smashed into by two possibly insured immigrants in a borrowed car, having two friends come be the best morale support I could ask for, waiting in the cold, dealing with unsympathetic policemen, fighting traffic, talking to the insurance company, being assessed at the walk-in clinic and losing all the progress I've made with the Chiropractor in the last month, I got to witness weirdness that reminds me I am still glad I am me:

Waiting at the counter at Happy Harry's to buy a massive bottle of Advil, I watched as a very angry, approximately 8 month pregnant woman with very red, recently waxed eyebrows screamed at the cashier about how absurd it was to card her for cigarettes when she obviously was older than 18 and came in there to buy cigarettes all the time and that their policy to card anyone who looks under 30 was crazy. Sure, honey, you are DEFINITELY one to preach sanity.

A 2010 Epistle

I am so LAME for not writing in 4 months!!

That being said, I have about 5 million things going on in my life. So just for fun, I will list them along with the corresponding category of leading causes of stress according to stress researchers:

1. Finances: Bought a new car. A gorgeous 2010 Kia Forte, it's fun and I call it my robot car because it has Bluetooth, Satellite Radio and I can plug my iPod into it. I am now paying rent for a two bedroom apartment on my own. I have an uncomfortable amount of student loan debt that has gone into repayment.
2. Work: I will not go into details about what was driving me over the edge at my last job, but after 7 years I am leaving PP and will be starting with Delaware Guidance! It was a fantastic opportunity to help create a new position. I am going to be the administrative Team Leader for the Wilmington and Newark offices. (Hate the title, going to work on that) Basically, I'll be managing all the nonclinical support staff. Job changes are stressful, even if a good thing.
3. Family: My mother had a total hip replacement in December. It was absolutely necessary and will vastly improve the quality of her life but unfortunately she lost her job because of it. Completely ridiculous in my opinion, that they can fire someone for using the benefits they pay for, to get a necessary medical procedure. I worry about my brother and his health. He is so smart, I just wish he would pull his life together and take care of himself.
4. Personal Concerns: What the hell does that mean? I hate my skin and the texture of my hair. Does that count? The world is a scary place. Fox News exists. I fear I'll never be able to buy a house. Sarah Palin's book was on the best seller list. I could go on.
5. Personal Health: This is a fun one. My neck has been completely locked and painful for a week. I tried pain meds but the pain kept coming back. I went to the Chiropractor for the first time today. The doctor was actually shocked by my X-ray. My neck is so completely wrecked that my spine actually curves in the OPPOSITE direction than it should. He wasn't sure how my spinal cord wasn't being compressed in such a way that I would be suffering neurological problems. I am going to be in intensive treatment for the next month. Ouch.
6. Personal Relationships: The end of any relationship is difficult. But my last relationship was emotionally draining. I know I can't be responsible for anyone but myself, but I still feel really sad that I couldn't make things better. It was never going to happen, I know this now, and I can't feel guilty for the choices others make. Doesn't really make it easier though.
7. Death: My maternal grandmother died a couple weeks ago, following a long illness. Watching her fade away was an intense experience, but ultimately made her passing easier to cope with. There wasn't much of her left. It was like the last trace of her Liz Claiborne perfume finally drifted away. I am happy and grateful she went peacefully and is no longer suffering. I am at peace with it completely. But what makes me afraid, is that it opens the door to the other side and will start the process of losing my other grandparents. And it means my parents are that much closer to aging. And that I'm one year closer to 30 and I'm alone. Eek.
   

HOWEVER: I think that I have been instilled with a great sense of fortitude against challenges and adversities. I am not whining and I am not giving up. I am so blessed to have the friends and family that I have. I am lucky to have a great education, a great car and a great new job. I am lucky to have a comfortable apartment and the best kitties in the world. I am lucky to have my physical health and mental well-being.

All you can really do is forge on, and have faith that the Universe will bring itself back into alignment. I am ready for change and ready for the new adventures and relationships that 2010 will bring me. So Happy New Year to all and never forget, now more than ever, to count your blessings and to say I love you when you have the chance.

Loans up to my eyeballs

Just when I thought I had all my student loan details hammered out...
I consolidated all my grad school loans through the US Dept of Education. HOPEFULLY getting in on some sweet forgiveness goodness, should that pan out. OR so I thought. I get a notice from one student loan lender who says they will cheerfully begin my repayments soon. I just logged on to their website and one of my loans didn't get consolidated! I am now shuddering about taking the extra money left over after tuition for living expenses. My monthly payment is going to be gross, once this last loan gets lumped in there, which I reeeealllly hope it still can be, it said I have up to 180 days after the first consolidation went through to add other loans. The crappy part though, is that the interest rate is actually higher than it was on two of the loans I consolidated. If I really pay the standard monthly payment, I am going to be paying thousands of dollars in interest.

I know that there are Public Service loan forgiveness plans in the works. I also know there is a new Income Based Repayment plan. Does anyone have any experience with it yet? I am going to wait until this last loan gets processed and consolidated and then probably try and apply. It certainly couldn't hurt and hopefully I'll stay in the non-profit field long enough to qualify for the forgiveness!!