Loans up to my eyeballs

Just when I thought I had all my student loan details hammered out...
I consolidated all my grad school loans through the US Dept of Education. HOPEFULLY getting in on some sweet forgiveness goodness, should that pan out. OR so I thought. I get a notice from one student loan lender who says they will cheerfully begin my repayments soon. I just logged on to their website and one of my loans didn't get consolidated! I am now shuddering about taking the extra money left over after tuition for living expenses. My monthly payment is going to be gross, once this last loan gets lumped in there, which I reeeealllly hope it still can be, it said I have up to 180 days after the first consolidation went through to add other loans. The crappy part though, is that the interest rate is actually higher than it was on two of the loans I consolidated. If I really pay the standard monthly payment, I am going to be paying thousands of dollars in interest.

I know that there are Public Service loan forgiveness plans in the works. I also know there is a new Income Based Repayment plan. Does anyone have any experience with it yet? I am going to wait until this last loan gets processed and consolidated and then probably try and apply. It certainly couldn't hurt and hopefully I'll stay in the non-profit field long enough to qualify for the forgiveness!!

Ouch

So in an absolute Ben Stiller movie moment in my life, I decided to get my eyebrows waxed this morning on the way to the beach to meet some friends. As I was leaving the place, I was thinking "Hmm, it seems to be burning more than usual. It's probably just because I was out in the sun yesterday." So I get in my car, go to Happy Harry's to get a couple things, come back out to my car and look in the visor mirror...and my eyebrows are ringed by searing, red welts. It was horrendous. I'm going to the beach for the first time this year to see some friends I haven't seen in ages and I look absolutely ridiculous. I considered canceling but didn't want to be flaky. So I ran back into HH, bought some witch hazel and went back to my apartment. I took a benadryl, in case it was allergic reaction and put a bag of frozen Brussels sprouts wrapped in a towel on my face. The icing helped a little, so I was encouraged. I kept putting witch hazel on them, which burned terribly. All in all, didn't solve it and I still had a blotchy, red face when I got there.

Fortunately, they were nice people and if I did look terrifying, they didn't let on. And I did have a really good time at the beach. I think I might put the sprouts back on to go to bed.

Melting

Tonight, there was the most fantastic thunderstorm. I watched lightning bolt after lightning bolt shatter the sky. It was so beautiful. Unfortunately, it didn't make it that much cooler! It is so humid right now, the A/C is blowing non-stop. Can't wait to see this bill, yikes! Of course, we were spoiled by not having to run it all in June and moderately in July. I just hate hot weather. Would rather be snuggled up in a big sweater or under blankets. Come on, Fall!!

Runes and Musings

I am looking for some Berkana Runes to give all my pregnant friends, but of course, no where I went today had them, so I am going to have to give my initial pregnancy gift to them without them. Hopefully, I can track them down. It is interesting having the majority of the people I know being pregnant. I am truly thrilled for all of them, but it makes me start to wonder about my own fertility and about whether or not I am meant to have children someday. I'm not trying and don't really feel like I am in a place to try right now. But what I worry is what if the right time never comes? I guess I will always have kitty children and will be a kickass aunt to all my friends children. Is that going to be enough?

In the meantime, I am searching for my next job and trying to get healthier. Hoping to lose 40 pounds through moderation and cutting out as much processed food as possible. I don't think I could stomach a prepacked meal plan with the freeze-dried everything. It is such a hassle to think about having to cook for three meals a day. So I will try and make healthy compromises when I can. I need to try and remember how worth it it will feel to be thinner and healthy.

Changing Times

I am going up to Rhode Island this weekend to visit with my grandmother who is very sick. It may very well be the last time I see her. Mortality is really hard to contemplate when you try and think about how you are going to deal with the circumstances of the deaths of your own loved ones. It's easy enough to say "I can be at peace with it because everybody dies and it's a part of life." I have also thought "Death may be a parting, but it's really a time to celebrate the life of the person who has moved on." However, I have never lost anyone very close to me, so it is all still very abstract.

I remember when my great-grandmother died, but I was very little so it was distant. I remember when a boy in my fith grade class died of Leukemia and we went to his funeral, that was a bit surreal. Several older people I was pretty close to at some point from church have died recently and that came the closest. It was powerful to think that that person will never occupy space in the world ever again. They are completely and totally gone. I still think that way about Nemo, sometimes. I know it's not quite the same, but the fact I will never get to kiss his nose ever again still makes me cry once in awhile.

It will be great to see my family and spend some time together. First family road trip in more than a decade. I will be drawing a line on the backseat that my brother can't cross, just in case.

Skin Battle: Differin and Aczone

I have no idea how blogs work exactly, but I figure if someone searches for those terms, this might pop up.

I have been struggling with acne since my mid-20s. Odd, since I had pretty great skin in my teens. I have tried several different treatments, including oral antibiotics, Retin-A and over the counter treatment regimens (Proactive, etc). Being on birth control pills seems to help for awhile but then my skin revolts and gets bad again. It seems to improve for a time after switching pills but then the breakouts recur. I have most recently been prescribed Aczone in the morning and Differin gel at bedtime. I have been using them for almost a month now and only washing my face with Cerave cleanser. I noticed almost an immediate improvement in the texture of my skin overall and a huge reduction in the angry outbreak on my forehead. I have also had minimal dryness and peeling, which is a change from previous treatments.

After a few weeks of improvement, I am now experiencing a flare-up. Several cysts and a couple pimples. It also also done almost nothing for blackheads around my nose and lips. The Aczone literature says it can show noticable results in 2 weeks, but Differin states up to 12 weeks. So I'm hoping I'm still in the improving stage. Thinking about trying Yaz, but I have a deductible health insurance plan, which I usually love, but currently I get my pills for free from work. Free is better than not free.

Anyway, just want to record that and see if any other skin people read and have comments. If you are one of the few friends who may read this, sorry for grossing you out!

Vacation: Time to rethink

I am on vacation all week with no big plans which is fabulous. I am sitting at my computer with the window open and a beautiful cool breeze blowing in thinking about what things I do want to accomplish while I have some time. I am formulating a new healthy life plan: Cutting out the bad things (fast food, soda) and adding back the good ones (regular attendance at the gym, cooking more meals at home). I have set goals about losing weight, paying off my credit card and saving money. I feel like concrete goals are easier to take steps to attain than general ideas, right?

I watched a few minutes of a lifecoach last night on TV talking about his system called "Excuses Begone!" It was basically asking you to challenge your negative self-talk and replace it with positive self-talk. For example: "I can't lose weight because it will be really difficult and I don't have the time." Are you 100% sure it will be really difficult and you won't have the time? No, that may or may not be true. "Losing weight will be easy and I will have the time." Are you 100% sure that's true? No, but it may or may not be true as well. So if those thoughts both have an equal chance of being true, why would you internalize the one that gives you no chance to reach your goal over the thought that does potentially move you closer to your goal?

Am I going to pay $300 for the system? No, and I am 100% sure of that! But it was engaging enough to get me thinking about it. So I am hoping to really do it this time, rather than think about how I could do it and keep putting it off.

Dissonance

Dissonant is my favorite word this week. It's also the current theme of my life. I am confused and furious as to why a certain decision was made at work and how being the turtle in this race, slow and steady is getting me no where. I can't comprehend the playing of a vicious game being the real way to get ahead in life. Can I refuse to accept it, or is it not optional if I hope to move forward. I need a reset button.

Early to bed...

I am going to bed. By 10pm. I must recharge. I had a wonderful weekend, but it was exhausting.

Thursday: Work 8-4:30, mad dash from Dover to Newark. Class from 5:30-8:30.
Friday: Doctors appointment, then Brunch and Border's with my mom who is back from out of state. It was so nice!!
Saturday: Worked (yeah, sucky) but then dinner and wine and relaxing with two wonderful girl friends from work. I was out until 1:00am!! I NEVER do that anymore.
Sunday: Pampered Chef Party where everyone was married with children except for me. I had great time and bought a vegetable chopper I'm very excited about. But I almost felt like I should run out and play with the kids. Oh, well. Most of the time I like not having such obligations. And sometimes I feel wistful.

It was great to have some dedicated girl time. I love my boyfriend very much. I like his band and friends that we hang out with. And I love all my friends and their spouses. It's just not quite the same. Maybe it's just always different when you "grow up." People have primary responsibility to their husbands and families and friendships just aren't quite the same. If I ever get married, I absolutely have some good friends I would want to be bridesmaids. But I would be hard pressed to think of someone currently in my life I would truly consider a best friend. I am still getting over the burn of not being asked to be in my one female cousins wedding. What the crap? There are only two of us who are girls. I had always just assumed when I got married she would obviously be in my wedding. Then of course she is 6 years younger than me and getting married first, so shows where assuming gets you. That's ok, more time for drinking and being a liberal hell-bound, birth control taking, gay loving sinner!!

Um, plump?

"The strangely successful Zellweger is normally a size 6. However, when filming her twice reprised role as Bridget Jones in the eponymous movie franchise, she balloons up to plump 14. Zellweger is currently packing the weight back on for a third installment of a movie that only women watch." - popcrunch.com

As a self-defined "chubby" girl I am well-aware of the media distortions and unrealistic expectations encouraged by Hollywood and the press. I think it's ridiculous, but I don't necessarily get worked up by it. This picture really flummoxed me though because the first picture looks like a scary anti-eating disorder ad (look at her clavicle!) and in the second picture, I think Renee looks absolutely beautiful and certainly not "ballooned up" to any grotesque proportion. They finally banned models that were too thin in Paris last year. I hope that trend continues. I have young girls who come to my office on diets and taking weight loss pills. It is SO mentally and physically unhealthy for teenagers, whose bodies and brains are still developing.

I mean, seriously, EW!

Two Thoughts

Two Random Thoughts for Today:

1. MMM Bop, great song. Me and another woman broke out in spontaneous singing along and almost dancing in the grocery store aisle when it came on.

2. I miss Nemo very much, some sad song made me think of him and it made me cry. I love my kitties very much, but it's still hard to be without him sometimes. This is an ornament I made for the memorial tree Windcrest Animal hospital does every Christmas. I thought it was a very nice gesture for them to ask us to contribute.

Persona non grata

This is what I have decided I am at work.

There are so many things I have been left out of the loop on in the past couple weeks, I can't even recount them all. It is just one flaming dysfunction after another. I am someone who is detail oriented and am very possessive of my office which I have been managing for almost 5 years. Things seem to be slipping out of my control at a conspiracy level. Here's one anecdote that was more funny than anything else:

The new media person called me to say she was coming down to do an interview with a newspaper. I said "Great! I have been doing most of the downstate interviews, so I'm glad you're on board to do it." She said "...Oh...No one told me that." I said "Well, I've been through the media training and everything, but it's not my favorite thing in the world, so it's great that you can come down" And she said "YES....I prefer to do it." And I wanted to say "Whatever, bite me, you can do everything" but I just said "Great!" Then she said "Let me give you my extension" and I said sure, even though it's the same as the LAST 2 people that have been in her position. Then when she actually came down her demeanor was sort of terse and odd with the interviewer and she had me answer a lot of the questions about our services since she's been working here for all of 5 minutes. So I tried to soften our delivery and connect with the interview and I think it went well. I might be in the Delaware State News paper tomorrow. So we chatted for a little bit and she says "Let me give you my card" Now keep in mind, I've worked for this organization for over 6 years, and have outlasted a large number of people in the administrative office. Not to mention I'm constantly there for meetings and committees. I stared at her for a moment and said "Um, I know where you are" And she said "Oh, that's right, you've probably been there."

Are you kidding me? I felt trampled upon and unappreciated before, but now there are so many new people they are going to assume I just fell off the turnip truck rather than being one of the most knowledgeable people in medical services? I am counting down the days. Time for a glass of wine and a good cry.

Brain optional, not required

This was posted on the Feminine Majority Foundations job board: Full time manager needed for day-today operations in first trimester surgical and medication abortion services in our Trenton facility. Responsibilites include hiring, supervision, and training of staff, ensuring empliance with regulatory agencies; debeloping, refining adn implemetning operaitons porcuedure to ensure queality care; patriicpation in delivery of patinent services and other clinical and meidcal activities as required. Interested candidate maust have health care delivery espericne, including supervisory experince. RN licensure, experincd iin women's healthcare and working iwth a diverse population. Fluency in Spanish and English are preferred but not required. EOE. Send resuem and coverletter to PPAMA 437 E. State Street, Trenton, NJ 08608 or fax 609323-1546 or email info@ppmercer.org Clearly, the fluency in English thing is optional :-P

Achievement & Random Happenings

This morning, I walked into the Wilmington Trust office and paid off my damn car. Other than my beloved tinfoil Neon that my parents bought me in High School, this is the first time I have actually owned a totally paid off car. It is a feeling of accomplishment and freedom. As long as it lasts another 200,000 miles or so, I'll have gotten my money's worth!

I tried to get it washed to celebrate but the line at the car wash was like 15 deep at 3:30 when I was on lunch break at work. What the hell? Don't other people have stuff to do on a weekday afternoon? You'd think some people would still have jobs. But I had an eerie lunch break. Besides that, I went to the bank to cash a petty cash check, dropped off some reports at the vital statistics office and grabbed lunch. When I got back to the office, I had only been gone 40 minutes. Usually, just one of those things tends to take the whole hour. Not that I take a lunch break very often. My staff tends to get confused if they see me leave the office because I'm always there when they arrive, work through lunch, and am still there when they leave. They may actually suspect I sleep there sometimes.

Yesterday, Buckley thought it would be a bright idea to jump up on a bookshelf with a burning candle and walk right over it. One whole side of him was briefly aflame, though I screamed and the fire went out as he jumped down. I then traumatized him further by getting my brother, who was visiting, to chase him out from under the bed and I cornered him in the bathroom and then pinned him to the bed so I could figure out if he was really hurt. He wasn't, fortunately, just burnt fur. But for all my trouble I was punctured in several places. He must have forgiven me though, because he still slept in the bed. Ah, kitties.

Mounting Frustration

"It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays..."

I know I said this blog wasn't going to be whiny, but I just can't seem to get a grip on anything right now. I feel completely at odds with everything. Work is the worst it's ever been. I've been sick for two weeks. Between school and work, I haven't made it to the gym in ages. I haven't seen any friends in weeks. My divorced parents are both poor and miserable. Am not getting along at ALL with my apartment-mate. Not the cat.

I know the world is ridiculous right now. In fact, I'm reading Neil Gaiman & Terry Prachett's "Good Omens." Which treats the ruin of the world and Armageddon with the dry humor and sarcastic wit that only the British can really master. Basically stated: We are makers of our own misery. So what does that mean, that only we, ourselves, can make things better? I'm not sure that's the case. I feel like I've done everything I can, in pursuit of the best I can attain. And this is where I find myself, hmm?

Obama has been president for what? 16 Days? Come on, when is this all going to turn around??

Defrosting

I know it doesn't sound exciting, but we went to BJs this weekend and I bought, among other things, a six pound package of ground beef. Then I came home and separated it out into 6 little meat balls, which I froze and now can take out to cook with a moments notice. And a giant Parmesan cheese. And a case of applesauce, mmm. I also have enough toothpaste and paper towels to last until the next Obama term.

Oh, yes. I am so elated. Driving home on Tuesday I got to listen to his inauguration speech and I was as moved as I was by the election speech. I have to admit, I was a staunch Hillary fan and was very worried he was all charm and no substance. But I have been so impressed with his big ol' dose of "get your ass in gear, America." I posted the transcript to my facebook page, but you really have to hear it if you didn't. Things are crappy right now. But he really instilled some sense of how together we all are in this, and how by working together, we can move forward.

And just as a sidenote, tomorrow is the 36th Anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Hopefully, protestors won't muck up my day. I'm having a post birthday dinner with some friends and desparately want to get out on time. I want to write a blog about Wall-E. Remind me later. I gotta get some sleep!!

Time is relative

Today, at work, I was in a very Monday mood. Someone pointed out that I seem to be drained of all energy on Sundays, presumably because the next day is Monday. And honestly it's true. Saturday I was totally full of energy and ideas. Sunday, I felt like part of the couch. And today was probably the longest work day ever. I usually go in to work early on Monday, and there are days I've been there 12 hours or more. But today's 8 hours took forever. Once I was finally home, the few hours between walking in the door and bedtime have flown by at supersonic speed.

When I was little, my brother and I used to make paper chains and cut off a link every day counting down until Christmas, and it would take FOREVER. This year, it came and went so fast, I barely got a chance to experience it. Fortunately, I fit in a glass of eggnog last minute on Christmas eve, and a couple Christmas movies on Christmas day.

I read in college about a philosophic principle that states that an activity tends to expand to fill the time allotted for it. If this is true, then I need to start planning to fit more into a day (cooking healthy meals, going to the gym, writing, reading, finding a new hobby...) which will in turn make my days feel longer. In a good way, not a Monday way.

An attempt at commitment

Well, I have given up on myspace completely because it's loud and spastic nature was not inspiring me at all. I have switched to facebook pretty much exclusively, but needed somewhere to blog, when I was so inclined. I'm hoping I will be more often. While I've never considered myself a writer of any sort, I have always gone back and read diary entries or opinion papers and been rather impressed they came out as well as they did. That, and since I haven't kept a journal since college, I feel like an outlet to try and put my thoughts on "paper" would be really helpful. And why make it a public blog, you ask? Well, it is doing it in the parlance of our times and I certainly don't plan on writing anything so sordid it would bite me in the ass. Myspace was a place for whiney complaints about work, but I'm hoping this will be of a higher caliber.

As for the title, it comes from Anne Rice, specifically Memnoch the Devil.
It was the beginning of Anne Rice's more intense study of Cosmology and Theology which eventually lead to her return to Catholicism and her decision to "write only for the Lord." While, I can't hold it against her, her life had some very tragic turns, I must say that as an avid fan of her vampire erotica, it's really disappointing. I have only read her first "Christ the Lord" book and it was not memorable. I will have to give it another chance, the third one is coming out this year. Anyway, Lestat calls the world a Savage Garden. Is there a plan, a higher purpose, an order to it all? Or is it random and dangerous and prone to atrophy? I truly do not know. But I think it's an accurate way to describe the world we are living in today.