Sleep Tight, Love

 My new love holds me tight while we sleep. 

When I toss and turn, as I am wont to do, he- in an unconscious or semi-conscious state- raises his arm and let’s me settle. Then he wraps his arms around me again and pulls me close. 

For a long time, my goal was to not want. To not need. To not feel. All of those things were risky, bell-ringing danger. Why lay yourself bare to someone who won’t think you’re enough, who won’t grow, change, push for you? Who will lie, or at least not tell the truth. Even restless, why not take up the whole bed (minus a cat or two) rather than share it with someone who is inches, yet miles, away. 

Then, as fate and happenstance sometimes design, a conversation sprang up. Words, pictures, some modern romance. Then touch...taste...desire. But still, just for fun right? But then he kept showing up. One night, early on, as we drifted off to sleep, he whispered in my ear “I think I’m falling in love with you.” Brave words. Scary words. Words that created something new. 

It took awhile for my heart to give up the high alert. But ultimately I decided if the risk of loving someone was loss, the loss of not loving at all was a much bigger risk. So I let him in. Into nooks and crannies that had been shut down for a long time. To speak the words “I love you” aloud felt like breaking an evil spell. I am finally excited again, about the possibility of sharing my life with someone. There is no guarantee, of course. But why not choose to love whilst ye may?  I am once again breathing and feeling and wanting and needing. 

So then let me sleep, safe in your arms and your love.

The Constancy of Change

So it's been a minute since I've posted a blog. I haven't been journaling either, other than a few cryptic  and random weight loss related scribbles. "1 Diet Coke a Day!" "Take a Vitamin!" "Yoga 3 times a week!" As if these brusque commands are going to transform my internal dialogue, which leaves a lot to be desired. For several months I was back on the weightloss/healthy living plan. Smoothies, diet, joined an angry gym.  Not like Crossfit angry but one that certainly didn't have the calm, soothing "Take a Child's pose anytime" attitude of yoga. I was feeling stronger, much more svelte and discovered muscles I didn't know I had. But then true to form, the holidays came and I was in a vortex of making, baking and eating NOT the good, reasonable food but decadent everything and empty calories. The whole creating a habit premise is unreliable at best.

So here we are on January 4th and I am trying to practice the self-acceptance and self-love I have learned from doing a ton of yoga this year. Like every week, at 4 different studios. I can now do a perfectly passable chaturanga vinyasa. I do feel better when I practice and I love so many of the elements of yoga. Several different yoga instructors I take classes with know my name. I went to a Yoga/Mindfulness Triathlon this year! And tonight, when I desperately wanted to stay home and play Lego Harry Potter instead, I went to class and did not get an El Diablo burrito or Checker's fries on my way home.

I am making 2017 my year of balance in all things. Be as active as possible but at my pace and level, knowing when I can and owe it to myself to push harder. Make good, healthy food choices and learn new ways to prepare those foods at home. Try new things, go new places, do my best in work and in life. But also, sometimes, do none of that. Stay home under the covers watching HGTV, order mozzarella sticks and grilled cheese, say no to plans and commitments that stress me out. Save money but spend it on the right things that improve our home or bring us joy. I think these are reasonable resolutions. Happy 2017. Namaste ♥

Rainy Days and Fish Tacos

I was hoping that I would beat the odds and not get sick, even though everyone else in the household is. Sounds like a TB ward in here. However, that creepy sore throat feeling has been plaguing me for a couple days now. Be gone sickness!

My goal for this weekend is to make a big batch of Fish Tacos. Now I know what you're thinking. But they are so good. And when you make them at home, you can control how you make them. I got them from a Mexican restaurant called On the Border a couple times and then thought I would look up the nutritional content. I'm thinking "Fish is healthy! It's got vegetables, it has to be alright!" I was floored.

2,100 calories
130 g fat 169 g carbs
4,750 mg sodium

There is a way you can make them a little less destructive if you get them at the restaurant. Ask for grilled fish, choose the corn tortillas instead of flour (they're lower in calories and higher in fiber), and swap out the rice for grilled vegetables.

Here is my recipe. The grilled or baked fish is much better for you. I am also going to use some homemade Roasted Corn Black Bean Salsa on top :drooling: :

Fish Tacos

Your choice of crunchy or grilled fish fillets

Soft taco sized flour or corn tortillas

Bag of cole slaw mix or shredded cabbage

Pico de gallo, packaged or homemade

Lime

Sauce

1/2 cup Mayonnaise

1/2 cup Sour Cream

1 small jalapeno or other pepper, chopped

1 large avocado, chopped

Juice of one lime

Handful of fresh cilantro

1 clove fresh garlic, chopped

1-2 teaspoons taco seasoning or a mix of chili powder, cumin, cayenne & paprika, salt, pepper

Blend in food processor or blender. Optional: Chill for one hour.

Bake or grill fish. Heat Tortillas as directed.

Fill with fish and top with cabbage, pico de gallo and drizzle with sauce to taste.

Top with another squeeze of lime and enjoy!

Thunderstorms in the forecast for the next 3 days. Looks like more time in gym and less time outside. That's ok, I'm looking forward to hiking in the Fall and cooler weather. What is your favorite time of the year for outdoor activities?

Addition: A couple other healthy substitutions: You can use low-fat varieties and cut the mayo and sour cream in half and add half a cup of plain yogurt.

Attack of the Lactic Acid Fermentation

I guess it's a pretty sure sign I was doing something right as my muscles are still aching today. Part of my 30-day free trial at my new gym is several visits with a personal trainer. So when I got to the gym yesterday, I was nervous but ready to go. I have never worked with a trainer before, but a couple years ago my friend Stacey and I were regularly going to Hot Yoga. There was one instructor that was extremely "helpful". He was constantly coming over and bending and adjusting you. Yes, that is what you want when you are soaked with sweat, some perfectly toned yoga guy coming over and putting his hands on you. Neither Stacey or I were what you would call skinny, so when you have a fat thigh or a boob in the way, there is only so far you can bend. I always felt really self-conscious. So of course, I was worried about how this personal training session would go. But no worries, he didn't show up! I guess you get what you pay for right?

I ended up doing my own thing which ended up being about a 15 warm-up with stretching and 10 minutes on the treadmill, about 45 minutes doing the upper body, abs and back circuits (with the hip abductor machine thrown in for good measure) and 20 minutes on the Elliptical. I am fairly confident in my ability to do these basic things but I was looking forward to some direction in terms of routines and I would love to learn how to use the big scary machine the muscle guys use. I have another appointment with him tomorrow, so that is the plan. I will hopefully be going 4-5 times per week during this free trial month and then I can decide if I want to keep it up.

I am also trying to remember to take all my vitamins everyday and eat a probiotic dark chocolate bar. I like Attune. I will eat my dark chocolate if I HAVE to.

I have been drinking fabulous smoothies after my workouts and they are ridiculously easy and make you feel amazing. Here's a basic recipe (serves 2):

6 oz. dark berry juice(cranberry, pomegranate, etc)
6 oz. milk (regular, soy, almond)
1 cup frozen blueberries
1 banana (fresh or frozen, in chunks)
2 scoops Vanilla Whey Protein Powder
A couple ice cubes

Optional:
1-2 Tablespoons any Yogurt
1 Tablespoon Ground Flax Seeds

Enjoy!!

Begin at the Beginning

So here we are again. Starting another round of healthy living. Or rather, embarking on the idea of living a more healthy lifestyle from now on. Partly because having moved back to Delaware about 2 weeks ago now, I am still in the process of job searching. This gives me much more time than I am used to to devote to non-work things. It's been fabulous to spend time with my family after being away for a year and I'm hoping to get to see all my wonderful friends and their TODDLERS (no longer babies!) very soon. I am not freaking out about not finding a job yet, but hopefully this little break will get me back in the right headspace to figure out and conquer what comes next. I am open to whatever the Universe has in store for me.

So a week into being home, I was eating all kinds of snacky foods, drinking caffeine at night, basically grazing on whatever was around all day. I realized that I was in vacation mode! That Margaritaville, devil-may-care frame of mind where nothing matters and calories don't count anymore. I had to snap out of it. I started walking at a couple local parks and it felt amazing. I knew that I was definitely missing the physical side of getting healthy. I had lost weight, but was still very much "out of shape."

About two years ago, I was at my heaviest weight ever. When the scale went over 190, I was horrified. I had tried tons of weightloss programs and diets. I have had success with plans like The South Beach Diet but the weight always crept back on. I decided to try one more tactic, since my own self-control and motivation just kept failing me. I heard about a meal plan called eDiets, it had been featured on Biggest Loser and I had read a lot of good reviews. Unlike Nutrisystem, whose freeze-dried eggs and chicken in pouches made me want to gag, eDiet's meals came freshly prepared and were delivered in a cooler every week. Now, let me be honest and say this is by no means the cheapest option. It averaged about $99 a week for 5 days of meals. However, I looked at what I was spending on eating out several times a week, stops at Wawa, Starbucks runs and bar nights and FOR ME, as a working, unmarried, no children woman, knocking at the door of my 30s, I decided it was worth it.

Each day consisted of 3 meals and a snack, with you supplementing a couple fruits and a dairy. I usually added grapefruit and 2% string cheese. When you first see the meals, you will think "Um, where is the rest?" The smaller portions were definitely an adjustment but I was able to go on the website and pick the meals that I liked the best. It was idiot-proof. You ate what they sent you. I did the 5 day plan since I figured I would likely need to be flexible for a few meals each week, I would just need to make good choices. And...I did! I did the meal plan for about 6 weeks and I lost around 15 pounds. After that though, was the magic part. I had a completely changed attitude about food. It wasn't about dieting or starving myself, or not eating the things I liked anymore. I craved healthier options. The huge portion sizes and over-indulgence we all have become completely numb to were so obvious to me every where I went. The idea of eating piles of sugar and transfats and processed garbage just grossed me out. I had a mental shift in my relationship with food.

And I can say that 2 years later, that shift has stuck with me. I reached my goal weight of 150 (148 as of today!) and am now ready to get physical again! When I had 40 pounds to lose, it seemed insurmountable. And so many people have much more than that to lose. I want to be healthy. I want my joints to last me forever. I want to be able to breath and sleep better and be active whenever I choose. I want this for all of you too. I want it for my mom and my brother. I want it for my boyfriend. You deserve to feel good in your own skin. I used to tell girls that I counseled at my old office "You only have one body and one brain. You have to take care of them now. You are worth treating yourself well."

I joined a local gym, have scoped out more local walking trails (we are SO lucky to have so many beautiful places here in Delaware, you probably have a County park in your neighborhood) and am getting my tennis racket ready. My goals are pretty simple: Feel stronger, inspire those around me, be brave enough to do new things. Like running (terrified), singing again (my first love) and getting a job I love and can feel passionate about (so ready). Will you join me?? I am going to try and blog regularly and would love to hear stories, tips, challenges about others journeys.

If you are interested in trying eDiets, make sure you search for "eDiets Promo Codes" online. There are currently 25% off and free shipping promotions. And let me know if you have any questions. Until next time: Be healthy, take care of yourself and don't forget to be grateful for something today. Namaste.

Pending and Current Storminess

Apparently we are battening down the hatches for some crazy weather starting tomorrow night. There could be 60 mile an hour winds and 3 inches of rain! Hopefully, it won't start until I get home from work tomorrow afternoon and will end before I have to be up for work on Saturday. But it should be fun to watch a crazy storm.

My credit card account went all bizarre with balances transferring and weird charges and I couldn't tell what was going on. When I went online, I found out that they had upgraded my account and had switched it to a whole new card number. Now I can't get my Microsoft Money account ledger to balance and have no idea what's going on. The customer service guy said it was a good thing and I wasn't being charged anything additional but I can't make heads nor tails of it. I spent way too much money moving and can't wait to catch up and pay down my credit card. HATE how big my balance got so fast.

The new home is still getting there. I need more shelving and an Entertainment Center. But the cats love it and it's a great location. I'm close to so much fun stuff. The job is definitely a huge undertaking but such an amazing opportunity. I am a little homesick but am still glad I came.

Goals include: Fostering a Captain Picard Attitude at work, eating healthy and getting enough sleep, getting a budget back on track and paying off credit card debt ASAP.

News

Without further ado, here is the official announcement:

I will be moving to Providence, Rhode Island on July 20th, 2010!

It's just really funny and strange the way things happen sometimes. I had been job searching for the last few years and had been on several interviews without anything clicking. I was fortunate enough to find my current job and escape where I had been before, as I had absolutely hit a wall there and needed to move on. While my job now is for a great organization and with some wonderful people, I just wasn't feeling it. I was functioning below my capacity and just didn't think it was a role that I was going to be able to stay in for a long time.

SO, just for fun, I sent a resume to this position I saw on the Feminist Majority Foundation's job board. It was director of a women's health center in Providence, RI. I thought "Huh! Of all the places in the world!" since Providence is where my mom's family is and near a bunch of friends from my first year in college. And that it sounds like THE JOB I went to school for and that all my experience has been prepping me for. So, I sent it. And within a day I got a response asking me if I could come to their local office for an interview. The interview went incredibly well and it just so happened I was going up to Providence the following weekend for a friend's Renaissance Faire and my Aunt's birthday. So they scheduled me to tour the center and have a phone interview with the management consultant that has been helping to get the center merged with this new management company. Those also both went amazing well and when I got back, I met with the CFO and one of the owners and they offered me the job! It was just the most clear, smooth process ever. Friends and family were thrilled and offered me all kinds of help and hospitality if I were to come up. It was just as if the Universe was flashing a big, neon sign pointing me in the direction of Rhode Island. All the pieces just came together. And when that happens, how could you possibly say no??

It's an amazing opportunity to do great things and be in a place close to my parent's hearts and a chance for a whole new set of adventures. I loved being in New England for college that one year and going back had always been a little possibility in the back of my mind. Of course, it's terrifying as well. And just the thought of all of the accounts, cards, contacts, alumni listings, mailing lists, etc that I am going to have to change makes my head spin. Moving that far away is way different from moving between Wilmington and Newark!!

It will be a little sad to be further from my family here and my amazing friends and their new families, but we're so lucky we are in the age of Facebook and Skype and text messages, so they will never be far away in that regard. And the fact that I will be making more money certainly doesn't hurt and will hopefully mean I can fly back for a weekend now and then. And of course, be around for holidays and important events.

So, I will let everyone know where I end up living, I will hopefully know by next weekend!